Just why the fuss?

Noodle

Active member
I organised some photos of sd today to put in a frame, yes i know, im kind and thoughtful, BUT, i did something wrong, i moved 1 ( there are 4 others on display) photo of Ss to make way for photo of sd. H gets narky, he says , well dont completely remove ss from the house. I said im not there are far more photos of ss than my children actually.
The way that he said it really triggered me so i said, ok you can go tell your mother what i did.
All hell broke loose.
Ive had insult after insult, a huge row and now im in the spare room.
Can anyone explain this utter madness to me, or can anyone get my point?
Ty x
 
You asked for my take on this.
You are more than kind to frame pictures with Sd. I never did this, except with my whole family, meaning both SSs were included.
Very nice.
Your H must be hurting and frustrated because of the bad relationship with his son. Moving his picture just triggers his feelings.
The way he was with SD only demonstrates the relationship he wants with both of his children. As it is, in my opinion, he feels disrespected and estranged from his son. He would do anything to get him back, but equally wants respect from him.

As per your comment that he can tell on you to his mother, I understand why you said it. I had similar comments like go live with your mommy or brother…, when I was hurt and frustrated.

I learned nasty comments hurt a lot. Especially when you mention someone who has hurt and betrayed him and is too close to him to just ignore them as strangers. There is no one closer to him aside from his children and you (in that order, sorry), than his mother.
You hit a very painful spot.

I do not approve of his insults, but they show up as an alarming sing of his fragility and he took it out on you. I am sorry.
I don’t think your H is ok with the current situation. I think it all deeply hurts him. He never wanted nor expected things to go so wrong. Yet he went away from it all with you.
Sometimes things and thinking can go very sideways and the more conflicts you have, less intimacy and closeness you have, the more difficult the relationship.

Your H is not always being kind and thoughtful, he may be just overwhelmed by all of it and he may have some character flaws as well. But no man is perfect. They may have other flaws or just lack things that you would miss.

I would opt for a makeup and some understanding on both sides.

Maybe just tell him your comment was said out of hurt and it was senseless and you can understand it may have been hurtful to him. Than maybe add, you were framing his DD’s pictures and wanted just the opposite. Also he has to be told it is such a senseless fight.

If he will insist, stay in a spare room, spend the night, but tell him it is too bad he can’t accept your apology and can’t see his own bad reaction, to your good intentions. Just tell him you did it for him and than leave.

He will cool off, but settle it somehow, don’t leave it hanging in the air.
It is very clear that you care about him and your relationship, he just may be in a very weird place right now.
Someone has to be the sensible one in this case.

Speaking from experience, don’t prolong your suffering, get it over with.

Option 2: stay in your spare room. My H can stay silent longer than me and he leaves me sleeping in the spare room for as long as I would want. He told me he knows I will be back in our room sooner or later.

I needed some time apart sometimes and opted for that option in the hopes to make H see that he has crossed the line. Sometimes it worked and sometimes he got worse.

I believe men like your H crave stability and at the same time sometimes behave very poorly.

With more water under the bridge, we get back to normal. I am however setting clear lines and speaking out more after I have regained my full control of my assets.
More independence only helps a relationship, if it hurts it, it is not worth it. And by that I don’t mean you ignore H or put too much distance in your marriage, but simply be independent and a happier person.

Maybe this helps, I hope it does. Maybe see his side too. It helped me cool off after all that came out of his mouth, but it took a while.

Too much fighting and conflict is bad for any relationship, but some fighting is healthy, it helps define new boundaries.

P.S. I would also tell him to never insult you that way, ever!
 
I can see what Maya is saying too. He is very sensitive about his son so moving the photo he took the wrong way. Maybe you both need to apologise and make up though, as he probably saw that as a jibe, the comment about his Mother.
 
Just to add. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t.
I am also keeping all of my options open. My H is not a stable person and trust is an issue. h Can be nice, can be very thoughtful and fun, but he can be very nasty and things go sideways.
It you have more good than bad and if you can trust him, than I think investing in a relationship is still worth it.
When things get ugly too many times and there is no trust, than there is no point in staying. You can tell by how stressed you are and if you can relax in your marriage or is there always something to watch out for, like walking on eggs.

Your H receiving insults long distance doesn’t count, but things have to calm down and life must go on with a more relaxed pace and as I said, trust is key. If you can’t trust your partner the relationship will eventually fall apart, even if some people stay together because they don’t have a choice.

It was better between H and me and just when I relaxed, he showed me there is no such thing.
But now, I don’t need him any more. I wanted this for so long and now it just happened with a new employee and the papers all signed. I no longer have to tolerate his behavior.
He just told me today that if I don’t shut up I will never see him again and I went with it. He had a few too many and I can’t stand it anymore.
So when he will be completely sober, I will let him know he has a week to move out and pack his things. Than I want to see him!
I am a mixture of sad, disappointed and angry, but much more peaceful than before. I am tired of the stress.

I sincerely hope you are doing much better than me. I hope everyone is!
 
Im sorry to hear that Maya. Its so sad. I dont think i have ever trusted H. He played some rotten tricks when we first met.

I feel like me and my children have and still do live in the shadow of a family that have to have it all.

Sd said whilst she was here that she wants to be a kept woman and never go to work. Shes not very bright but nevertheless this is her aspiration in life. She sees the women around her doing very little and getting spoonfed by wealthy men. H has nothing, he pretends to be affluent whilst SD is here. Its a big show.

At the moment im working full time to assist our finances because H has a massive child maintenance outgoing, its breaking us and he does absolutely nothing about it. He does nothing to get the ball rolling with the sale of the house.

I feel that my life, since i met him, has been me and my children invisible whilst everyone around me scrabbled through their malice and jealousy to ensure H kids were disgustingly spoilt. No wonder EFH has problems with ss, he has no boundaries. Does and says what he likes and zero consequences, more spoiling from grandparents.

Im very depressed. Ive stopped going out. H puts me down and gaslights me constantly. He says mean things then rearranges the words to soften them. Or says he never said it. But Im not stupid. I think hes trying to make me insane. Im strong minded. I know what he said.

He says he doesnt like my music, he said, its shit. doesn’t want to share tv programs with me.
Says im lazy. Im not allowed to do the food shopping because im wasteful.
I work full time.
He started a row yesterday after i had a day at work. I was hungry and wanted to eat asap. I found a dirty dish, i put it back in the cupboard to deal with another day. He watched me and proceeded to scold me for my behaviour. Like a father disciplinary to a child. he said that I have no respect for myself because i left a dirty dish in the cupboard.
Just to point out, i found his shit on the toilet seat yesterday, i cleaned it and said nothing. He wiped dog wee off the floor and put the tissue in the bathroom bin for me to clean, i say nothing. Meaningless rubbish in the grand scheme of life to me. But he started an argument over a dirty dish. He tried to make me feel ashamed of my behaviour.
This is what i have to put up with because im trapped. I screamed at him last night.
I tread on egg shells all the time at the moment. Hes playing a game, thats how i feel. Hes malicious one minute and charming the next.
After such a serious argument, i took your advice re ss incident and saying go tell your mother. I apologised. The next day, all of this rubbish about a dirty dish.
Im telling you, the man has a screw loose. I ask him to stop putting me down, he repeats what he said, he does it even more.
I asked him can you please change the way you speak to me. He says yes, it last 5 minutes before hes doing it again and the BLAME always always my fault.
I say you need to not speak to me like that he says its because of your behaviour. Im at rock bottom with no where to turn
 
I think you need a break away so he can just live with himself in silence for a bit and realise what it's like when you're not around.

Oh we also have this argument over the food shopping. OH wants to check everything to keep the bill down when I do online shopping. It's tricky as income is tight but he knows nothing about meal planning and ingredients needed for cooking!

Does your job pay fairly well? Just wondering if that would be a way that could lead to independence?
 
Oh, I am sorry!
Had no idea it was this bad.
There is always a way out of this, but as suck we have to hit rock bottom in order to get out.
I think somewhere in our unconscious we think we have to make it this time around. We are so busy fighting for our men for our relationship with the ex’s and others, we overlook many of our partners faults.
Don’t be depressed. A wise man once told me very frankly that we try and stay in our comfort zone, even when it gets really bad.
I asked, but can’t we step out earlier and save ourselves from so much stress and grief. He said everything takes time. We have to change, we have to be pushed over the rim sometimes to finally take a step.

I am in a pretty similar position to yours, but that is clear to everyone, I think. I own the company and I own the apartment we live in including the cabin. H works for me, I am his boss and instead of partnering with me, he walks all over me when he is drunk. He shows and says what he really thinks and feels. And lately he barely cares what he does any more.

I feel like a walking wallet and he is trying to put me down in every way possible when he drinks.

I basically have divorce papers written up, I have to plan my future without him, even if he would still hang around.
I have taken significant control into my hands and I have to figure out how to get him out of my home and work step by step.

I think he knows it’s coming, but doesn’t have a place to stay. I have already searched for a rental and found some affordable options.

Don’t give in, go out, start by small steps, look for a rental, after all you are the breadwinner as I understand.
Can you afford a small apartment for rent? Are you the renter of the place you are in now or owner?
Start by researching your options, if nothing else it will open a way out for you and you will have more options and more energy to go further.
I couldn’t do it over night, I can only go step by step and the further along I am, the more I know what I still need to handle and do. Life gets real, you get more grounded and it is easier to walk to your room and close the door.
I am looking to go out and see a movie by myself.
You still expect your H to be romantic and loving. So there is still some way you have to go to slowly start changing your perspective.
Sometimes we suffer until we can’t suffer any more, than we take action, or start taking action.
Go step by step, you are entering a situation neither of us ever wanted to be in again. We both wanted to be married and live a normal life.

At this stage I am not there at all and going towards what I perceived as a failure, something painful, but not as painful as it used to be. I am at the age where I know I don’t have forever.
You are still young, trust me, you can do so much with your life. Accept that you are miserable, don’t try and be happy, it is easier to admit and fully accept the situations we are in. Once we accept where we are, we can change. Hoping others will change has brought me nothing but misery. I am just older and H is crazy and absent.
A big step for me is that I think of him and what he has said and done, but I no longer miss my husband. I don’t really feel this is a real marriage. Just a really screwed up relationship that I have to find my way around.
So I cannot say just go. Make a plan, plan your own finances. Trust me, once your H won’t have your income, he will very quickly resolve the sale of his house and alimony.
I thought my H was too poorly, too weak to resolve anything, but he jumped like a lion on me. Now I know he will do whatever it takes to survive.
And at this point, I really don’t feel like giving him any money, I will have to pay off the rest of his loan because I vouched for him. Two more years or 2 and a half. I will survive.

I don’t like dealing with this, it is so much easier just thinking of how bad it is and not having to act. But it feels much better once you start even with small steps and changes.
Things sometimes take time. You don’t even have to think of the end result, because it probably won’t be exactly as we envision it, but small steps go a long way, we figure it out as we go.

I think you have tried to make things right and there comes a point when we realize there is not much more we can do for the relationship and turn to ourselves.

Sometimes radical action is taken, as it was in my first marriage/divorce. I suffered for quite a few years afterwards. Sometimes we suffer within the marriage and the walkout comes more organically. Who knows what the future will bring, but listen to your instincts.
At one point I just couldn’t go on any more without signing all the documents. And than it got better, right now we are back to insanity.
Yesterday he accused me of being addicted to not drinking, because deep down I am an addict and am afraid of what I might do if I have a drink, because when he mentions or looks at beer in a store I can’t stand it. He now wants me to have alcohol at home, so he can drink at home too.
It’s like bringing drugs to a junky.
It’s time for me to slowly but surely check out.

By the way, I honestly don’t drink, because I have health issues with my stomach and the rest. I do occasionally have a drink with my girlfriends. I don’t drink in front of him, because that would definitely be a great excuse for him to drink. But he found another way to explain how I fit into the addiction category. He is now asking me to please get help. It’s sickening. Honestly insane.
I think he has gone crazy.
 
Honestly Maya, it makes me feel like saying, just chuck him out. He shouldn't rely on you for finding a rental for him. He's not going to budge unless he's pushed by the sound of it.

I know it's not always that straightforward, but ..........
 
Hi, I hope you are doing well. Haven’t heard from you in a while.
I am currently fine on my end.
 
Im not feeling well

Sorry i dont get the time to be here as much as i would like

So, told H many times about putting his hands on the other woman, said please dont do that .

I thought he understood i was feeling invisible and such....

Went out at the weekend... was a good start, h was including me and mentioned to me to be aware of other woman trying to take over the narrative of our day.

I felt in a happy bubble 🫧
I spent a bit of time with my son on this same occasion, i truly believed things were going well, then i turned around and bam

I turned my head from a conversation with my son and H has both hands on other womans waist helping her to complete a task, hes egging her on

Im still in disbelief
So much so that ive been clingy towards H as if im going to lose him

Do you know what i mean?
I think im going to rise out of it before im defeated, i feel so ill

I confronted him, he was silent for a whole day
Then he said it didn't happen the way i explained it, like im exaggerating
He had bith his hands on her waist for definite, her partner was inches away, im gobsmacked at my lack of reaction and her partners
I stood there and just felt sick, helpless , like my world was disintegrating

Maybe her partner did too
I dont know what im going to do
 
I am sorry. Tried to have a good day, hoping everything will be good, but felt some unease. H came home drunk, same insults and all my plans have collapsed. Everything that I will do, I will have to do it myself. Can’t really count on him any more. He also came to my bday a bit drunk, my EDD mentioned it to me and I chose to not see it. He was the only one late, couldn’t pick up my mother as we had agreed and set as far away from me as possible. Today he didn’t even bother to deny it and told me he chose alcohol over me.
I am numb, not shocked, surprised, but totally disgusted.

I have to put phase two on action, meaning, ask him to find his own place and than eventually remove him from my company.
There is no love lost. I don’t exist, alcohol does. Absolutely no respect from him.
 
Sorry, but I am out of any suggestions. You are happy going out with him and he behaves so inappropriately.
I don’t understand some men at all. Why ruin a good thing, unless it is not like in my case.
 
Sorry to hear that Noodle. I know it's not nice, feeling you might lose him to another woman, especially if that's happened before. On the other hand he has been really awful to you and maybe he should be the one losing you. It's totally disrespectful. Some women turn a blind eye to things like this if they don't want the marriage to end, but I don't know how they manage it.
 
Thank you, im sorry that ive probably been a bit selfish lately with my responses and i can see that im stuck in a loop but im going to do my best to break free. When i feel stronger i hope i can return here and be a bit more giving with my words x
 
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